The Other Kathryn
by Shonetta
Summary: A crisis on Voyager changes Janeway's life forever. Or does it? Short story. J/C.
1. Chapter 1

_Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures._

This is a short story I wrote some time ago but never published. I guess I should warn that it isn't a conventional J/C story...but definitely J/C :)

**THE OTHER KATHRYN**

**PART ONE**

**2374**

It had been a hell of a day.

First, Voyager had taken a beating in an unprovoked attack by a hostile race calling themselves The Jenix, and then, after narrowly escaping another skirmish with a race at war with The Jenix, Voyager had suffered multiple system failures and been forced to crash land on a Demon Class planet. The ship, already badly damaged, was now in critical shape, and it would be hours, if not days, before she could fly again.

If only they had days.

The atmosphere on this planet was so ferociously volatile that not only was it deadly to humanoids, but hazardous to Voyager. It's devil red air was metal devouring and it was only an unstable forcefield that was keeping the corrosive vapors at bay. If it failed, they would only have an hour to save the ship.

"I think we should forget about Voyager and just get the hell out of here," Tom had said in an emergency meeting. "We have enough shuttles and escape pods to get the crew into space within half an hour. Then we can find ourselves an m-class planet to converge on and plan our next move."

"Next move to where?" B'Elanna asked. "Without Voyager we'll be stranded!"

"Not if we can get our hands on another starship."

"And just how are we supposed to do that? Because I don't know of any on offer around here, do you?"

"I'm with Tom," Harry had said. "If there's any chance we'll all die by staying, I say we leave. Abandoning Voyager doesn't have to mean abandoning our mission."

"I say it does," B'Elanna insisted. "Because if we..."

Kathryn had silenced their bickering with a raising of her hand.

"That's enough. I appreciate your concerns, and if the forcefield fails, we'll consider leaving, but for the moment we'll proceed with repairs. Lieutenant Torres is confident that we can be spacebound by midnight and I trust her judgement. After all, I've never had reason to doubt it."

Tom protested. "But..."

"I'm not ready to give up on Voyager. She's brought us this far, she'll get us home. So, instead of standing around wasting time, let's get stuck into repairs. At times like this, a job knows no rank."

And so they had all departed the briefing room and lent their assistance where it was needed. But now, three hours after midnight, there was still no sign of Voyager being able to fly. B'Elanna kept saying "within the next thirty minutes, Captain," but that thirty minutes kept becoming another thirty minutes, and the ship's fragile forcefield could not hold out much longer. In fact, it could fail at any moment.

In her ready room, standing before a window of red mist, Kathryn drank a coffee as she pondered their dilemma.

Stay, and perhaps doom the crew to death, or leave and damn them to a lifetime in the Delta Quadrant. Because while it wasn't impossible that they could get their hands on another ship...perhaps a friendly race would give them one...it was unlikely. With only shuttles and escape pods at their disposal, they would never make it home. They would never even make it as far as the planet they had left the 37's on. Their best option would be to settle on an M-Class planet and make it their home.

But that would mean giving up on their mission, of admitting defeat, and that... she didn't know if she could do it.

Not yet. Not now.

"Paris to Janeway."

Tom's voice brought Kathryn out of her thoughts and, reluctantly, she responded.

"Janeway here."

"The forcefield is failing. We have ten or fifteen minutes before it's gone."

Kathryn's stomach sank.

Ten or fifteen minutes. Then the red breath of hell would start devouring the ship.

The ship and them.

Alive.

What now? What was she to do now?

First, acknowledge the situation.

"Acknowledged, Mr Paris."

"Shall we start evacuating?"

Kathryn closed her eyes, her whole being protesting, but she had to do what she had to do to save the crew. Even if that meant sacrificing their only way home.

But, just as she was about to say yes, a dazzling blue light filled the room, coming from behind her. Kathryn instinctively turned around and, as the light faded, came face to face with herself.

A mirror image.

Almost.

For this Kathryn, while in the same uniform, had hair that was bobbed.

"Captain," Tom beseeched, "shall we..."

The other Kathryn answered.

"No, Tom. We've waited this long, we'll wait some more."

"But..."

"My final word, Janeway out."

Then, before Kathryn could even ask what the hell was going on, this other Kathryn stepped forward and spoke.

"We don't have much time, so we'll have to skip the small talk. I'm here to right a wrong. Two years ago, I did what you were just about to. I gave the order for us to abandon Voyager. Big mistake. And I won't let you make it again."

Kathryn stepped forward. "Why is it a mistake? What alternative is there?"

"The why, you don't need to know. The what...we stay and wait for B'Elanna to come good."

"But she's been promising to for the last five hours. We can't wait another five. The forcefield is failing, which means we..."

"Only have an hour to save Voyager, I know. And you will. B'Elanna will have you off this planet within twenty minutes."

"How can I trust that? How can I trust you?"

"Because if you can't trust yourself then..." Suddenly this Kathryn's face paled. "Oh, no! Right time, right place...wrong reality!"

Kathryn frowned. "How do you mean?"

"I'm not you...you're not me. I haven't bunned my hair since...since The Bonestell. Damn it! They assured me it would work! But oh, what the hell! If I can't save my crew, I can at least save yours."

"With all due respect, I'll make the decisions for my crew."

"Based on what? Total ignorance of what is to come?"

"If you're from a different reality, you're just as much in the dark."

"Not if our realities are so much the same that we both ended up in this place, at this exact moment, facing the exact same choice."

"Perhaps. Or perhaps this convergence of our realities is just momentary...coincidental. Everything else might be different."

"Perhaps. But will you risk it? Because if I'm right, and you do, you will soon come to wish you had all died right here, right now."

"I don't believe the future can be that bad. I can't even believe you're actually here! The Doctor said we might start hallucinating as the forcefield weakens. You might be nothing more than a figment of my imagination."

"Or of your conscience. But I'm not. I'm actually here."

"Then tell me how."

"That doesn't matter. What matters is that you stop arguing and start listening. Any moment now, B'Elanna will swear to you that she can get Voyager flying in time and will beg you not to evacuate. Believe her and trust her. I didn't and we all paid the price."

Just as she spoke, B'Elanna's voice sounded over the comm.

"Torres to Janeway."

This time the other Kathryn stayed silent, allowing Voyager's Captain to respond.

"Go ahead," she said.

"I know the forcefield is failing, Captain, but I swear to you that I can get Voyager flying within twenty minutes. All I have to do is realign the nycon cells and we'll have enough power to get into orbit. Please, Captain, trust me. I wouldn't put the crew in danger unless I knew for sure I could do this. Please, Captain. We can't abandon Voyager."

Kathryn wanted to say no, that it was too risky, but neither her heart or her head could ignore the plea in the other Kathryn's eyes or disregard her words of warning.

A middle road.

There had to be one.

And there was.

"Ok, B'Elanna. I'll trust you. But to be on the safe side we'll begin evacuating. Only those of us needed to save the ship will stay. But twenty minutes is all you have. If we're not in orbit by then, we all leave. Understood?"

"Understood, Captain. And thank you. I know I can do it."

"I believe you. Janeway out."

The other Kathryn smiled. "A fair compromise."

"From my perspective, a necessary one." She then hit her commbadge. "Janeway to Chakotay."

Chakotay replied instantly.

"Chakotay here."

"B'Elanna is confident she can get Voyager into orbit within twenty minutes, but as a precaution I want you to take charge of evacuating this ship. I'm going to stay behind with B'Elanna and her team."

"But..."

"You've always said you'll trust B'Elanna with your life. Trust her with mine. Janeway out."

"Interesting choice of words," the other Kathryn said. "Trust her with mine. Shouldn't that have been ours?"

Kathryn blushed a little. This Kathryn was right. He should be just as concerned about leaving B'Elanna behind, and her team, as herself. Why had she implied his concern therein was greater?

"Unless," the other Kathryn humored her, "you meant because you're the captain."

"Yes," Kathryn lied. "That's what I meant."

The other Kathryn curled her lip, clearly amused, but then, as she looked around, the light in her eyes faded.

"Well, this is another fine situation we're in, isn't it? I thought I would disappear from existence once the timeline was changed, but here I am still."

"Perhaps it hasn't changed yet. Or perhaps you being from another reality complicates things."

"Oh, it definitely complicates things. Let's just hope not too much."

"Of course, you might not actually be from another reality. The timeline is always changing. It may have changed in the second it took you to make the jump."

"Anything is possible." Then, without asking, she took Kathryn's coffee cup, took a sip, and then handed it back. "Oh, I needed that."

Kathryn opened her mouth to speak, but all of a suddenly the ship shook. Steadying herself, Kathryn hit her commbadge.

"Janeway to the bridge. Report."

Tuvok answered. "The forcefield has failed, Captain. Our sudden exposure to the planet's atmosphere jolted the ship. We can expect further turbulence."

"Understood. Has evacuation begun?"

"Yes, Captain."

"Acknowledged. Keep me informed. Janeway out."

"Going back to what we were saying," the other Kathryn said, "another possibility is that I'm still around because my role here isn't done yet."

"What more could there be for you to do? I've done what you said. I've given B'Elanna the go ahead."

"For now. But maybe you'll lose your nerve."

An alarm suddenly blared and the computer spoke.

"Warning. Structural integrity is failing."

Kathryn looked up and around. It had begun. The devouring of Voyager by the devil air had begun.

"Like you're losing it now," the other Kathryn said. "But Voyager is a tough old cookie. She can withstand some corrosion."

"Some, yes, but what if we've miscalculated how fast the vapors..."

"We haven't," the other Kathryn interrupted.

Suddenly, a violent jolt sent Kathryn and her counterpart flying to the floor. The two Kathryn's groaned as they slammed against metal, but only one of the Kathryn's got up.

The other Kathryn.

Unharmed, she quickly saw that her counterpart wasn't. There was a gash on her face, which was bleeding, and her head was lying at an awkward angle to her body.

Quickly, the visiting Kathryn knelt beside her and searched for her pulse, but there wasn't one.

She was dead.

What now?

"Chakotay to Janeway."

Kathryn was a moment in responding.

"Janeway here."

"We have successfully launched the first shuttle. I will leave with the second. In the meantime we will launch escape pads."

"Ack..acknowledged."

"We will leave two for you and B'Elanna's team."

"Thank you."

There was a moment's silence. "Are you ok, Captain?"

"Yes...I...I'm fine. As you were. Janeway out."

Fine.

What a lie!

By trying to make things better she had, quite possibly, made things a hell of a lot worse!

_Play with Time and Time will toy with you._

Those words of warning, given so many years ago at Starfleet Academy, had never rang more true.

In trying to save Voyager, she had killed its Captain. Killed herself. What would become of the crew now? How would they get home without her? No one else could be depended on to get them there, not even Chakotay. For although he would do his best, he would more readily admit defeat than she would and settle in the Delta Quadrant.

Damn you, Kathryn. Why did you have to interfere?

Because the future that was to come was worse than death here.

Worse than Voyager's captain dying here.

A million times worse.

Hold to that.

And perhaps she was underestimating Chakotay. God knows, she always had. He was just as dedicated to getting the crew home as herself and was every bit as determined and disciplined. With her dead, Voyager would be in good hands.

The best hands.

And, now that Voyager would be saved, that terrible future she was from would never happen. For that, she would gladly give her life.

For that, she had given her life.

Twice.

"Torres to Janeway."

Kathryn responded. "Go ahead."

"We're all done, Captain. Voyager can launch."

Voyager can launch.

Hallelujah!

But why, then, did she still exist? Why wasn't she gone?

"Shall I inform the bridge, Captain, so we can stop evacuating and launch instead?"

The half-Klingon shouldn't have had to ask.

Pull yourself together.

Be the Captain while you are.

"Affirmative."

"Then I will right away. Torres out."

Silence.

Slowly, reluctantly, Kathryn got to her feet and looked out of the window. The red air was hotter now, swirling like flames of fire against the windows.

Hell.

She truly was in hell.

But not for much longer. Any moment now Voyager would launch and she would be erased from time.

Gone forever.

Only she didn't disappear. As Voyager's engines roared to life, and the great starship rose off the ground and soared into orbit, her existence continued.

Even as Voyager stopped among the stars, safe from destruction, her life went on.

And on.

But why?

The future was changed now. In a few days repairs would be complete and the crew would be on their way home again.

So why did she still exist?

To take their Captain's place and get them there.

But no, it could not be! She didn't belong in this timeframe or this reality.

Or did she? Was she trapped here? Was the other Kathryn's life hers now?"

"Torres to Janeway. Mission accomplished."

B'Elanna's pride was audible...and justified. At the eleventh hour she had pulled off an incredible feat. And she deserved to be told so.

"Well done, B'Elanna. I'm very proud of you."

"Thank you, Captain. And thank you for trusting me. It means...it means everything."

Tears filled Kathryn's eyes. In the years since this incident, B'Elanna had told her many times that she could have saved Voyager if only she'd been given the chance. Now she had proved that she could.

A lesson in trust for both of them.

Too bad it was too late.

Too late for her crew, not for this one.

They were safe now.

Free.

"It's me who should be thanking you," Kathryn said. "And I do. Sincerely." Then, steeling herself against the tide of emotions threatening to overwhelm her, she changed the subject. "But we're still got a lot of repairs to do so let's get to them."

"Right away, Captain."

As the connection terminated, the door chime played.

Kathryn froze.

Caught.

Time to face the music.

Time to...

But as she turned towards her dead counterpart, the real Kathryn Janeway who belonged in this timeframe, she saw, to her bewilderment, that she was gone.

Vanished without a trace.

All that remained on the floor where she'd lay was her...their...beloved coffee cup. Slowly, tenderly, Kathryn knelt on the floor and picked it up.

Undamaged.

The fall that had killed a Captain had not even cracked it.

Resilient.

Just like herself. For she had survived. Survived against all the odds. And she was surviving still.

Living still.

Meant to be here.

Meant to take that Kathryn's place.

Meant to get her crew home.

"And I will," she vowed. "I swear."

The door chime played again, more urgently this time, and Kathryn got to her feet.

"Come in!"

The doors opened and Tuvok came in. His observant eyes noticed her hair but he said nothing. Perhaps the other Kathryn had changed her hairstyle often.

"The crew are boarding, Captain," he said. "And I'm pleased to announce that Voyager left the surface without further damage."

Kathryn smiled. "Excellent news, Tuvok."

"It will, however, take us over a week to make all necessary repairs. There is an m-class planet about 5 light years away and I suggest we take refuge there to complete them."

"No!" Kathryn said urgently. "No! I mean...we'll complete them here."

That planet, so heavenly beautiful and alluring, was where their hell had begun and she never ever wanted to see it again.

"But," Tuvok argued.

"My final word," Kathryn insisted.

Tuvok sighed. "Very well, Captain. But I confess I do not see the logic."

Kathryn stepped closer. "Then look harder. This sector is teeming with hostile races. Races with no conscience or compassion. Already we've fallen victim to two. Let's not make ourselves a sitting duck for a third. Because that is what we'll be on that planet...anyone's for the taking. But not here. Not in orbit of this planet. No one comes here."

At her words, Kathryn saw suspicion fill Tuvok's eyes, saw him scrutinize her with his Vulcan soul.

"I sense an aberration," he said, "a deviance in the space-time continuum. You are...out of time. And yet...in sync."

Kathryn did not deny it. There was no point.

"That's right, Tuvok. While we were on the planet, something happened outside the space-time continuum. But that's all I'm at liberty to tell you...temporal prime directive."

It was as good an excuse as any to not give details.

"But," she continued, "if I ever need to tell you more, I will."

"Very well, Captain."

The suspicion in Tuvok's eyes had gone now and, as she stood there looking at him, tears filled Kathryn's eyes. It was so good to see him again. So good to see him alive and well. How she had missed him. Missed so many of them.

A second chance.

That is what this was. A chance to fully right her wrong.

And she would.

That future, that terrible future that made her blood run cold just to think about, would never happen now. It was time for a new one to begin.

"But I might need you to be my memory for a while," she went on. "I've been out of time so my recollection might be a bit foggy."

"Which," Tuvok replied, "warrants an examination by The Doctor."

Kathryn wanted to protest but, knowing it was a battle she wouldn't win, she admitted defeat.

"Ok, Tuvok. But all this stays between you, me, and The Doctor, understood? There's no need to inform Chakotay."

He would ask too many questions and she wasn't ready to answer them. Not now. Perhaps not ever.

If she remained in this reality forever.

"My lips are sealed, Captain."

Kathryn smiled. "But not against a coffee, I hope. Join me?"

A hint of a smile crossed the Vulcan's face. "After you have seen The Doctor."

Kathryn laughed. "You drive a hard bargain. But it's a deal."

END OF PART ONE


	2. Chapter 2

_Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures_

**THE OTHER KATHRYN**

**PART TWO**

**2379**

Five years, almost to the day. How fast the time had flown! And yet, Kathryn was still haunted by what had happened on that demon class planet. Haunted by the other Kathryn. Even though this Voyager had become as much her ship as her own, and this crew her crew, never had she been allowed to forget that she didn't quite belong. That she was a stranger in her own life. An imposter. Not that she thought about the other Kathryn all the time, life on Voyager was so hectic that all she could do was live in the moment, but always something would happen to remind her that she was living the wrong life.

A different life.

For the history of her life, and the other Kathryn's, were not the same. It was hard to remember the differences, at least to remember them all, all the time, and sometimes she made mistakes, but no one ever noticed. Not even Chakotay. If he had seen a difference in her, and she knew he had, he had put it down to the burden on her shoulders, to the loneliness of command.

If that was all.

For it wasn't just that terrible future that had made her different to the other Kathryn. Other things had too. For life hadn't been as kind to her as to her counterpart. That Kathryn had not seen as many horrors in war, had not been a prisoner of war, and had never been tortured by the Cardassians. Justin had saved her from that fate.

Justin.

Their mutual love. Brave, and brilliant, and dead too young. Killed in a shuttlecrash. The same shuttlecrash that had killed their father.

Destined to happen.

Some events were fated to echo through every timeline and could never be changed. She knew for she had tried.

Tougher.

She was tougher than the other Kathryn. This she could tell from her logs. Life had made her tougher. And this could only be a good thing. For the other Kathryn might not have got them through half the things that she had. And yet, there was no denying that a part of her envied the other Kathryn. Envied her innocence, her idealism, her faith that good could be found in every heart. It could not. Some were darker than hell. And she envied the joy the other Kathryn had found with Mark in the years before Voyager. That joy she had never known. For there had been no one since Justin. His death, so close to what she'd been through with the Cardassians, had so devastated her life that she'd walled up her heart and let no one in.

No one until Chakotay.

Her Chakotay, not this one.

The Chakotay who had held her night after night as she broke her heart in his arms.

The Chakotay who had died saving her.

The Chakotay she missed profoundly.

And yet, he lived on in this Chakotay. This Chakotay who loved her just as much. This Chakotay who she had come to love as much. And no longer did it feel like a betrayal to love him. For her Chakotay was dead. This Chakotay was alive. Alive with all the needs of being so. He deserved to be happy. To have a woman at his side who would love him with all her heart. And she did. She couldn't help it. But she wasn't the Kathryn Janeway he thought she was and she had no idea how to tell him. For he needed to know. Now that Voyager was home, and they had found each other again after months apart, he needed to know the truth. He need to know that the Kathryn Janeway he had fallen in love with was dead.

But she was afraid of telling him. Afraid it would change his feelings. He would be angry at the deception, and it could change their relationship forever. But, if there was to be any hope of a future for them, he had to know. He deserved to and she could not live with the lie any longer.

So she had decided to tell him.

This afternoon while they were alone. Alone in this log cabin in the wilds of Alaska. It was his cousin's cabin, right in the heart of a spectacular mountain range that was white with snow, and they were staying for the weekend. There were two bedrooms, so they had one each, and Kathryn was delighted with hers. It looked out at a magnificent lake that was frozen over and had perfectly positioned windows to make the most of the view.

But it was not from there that she was now looking out at the lake. It was from the lounge. Chakotay was in the kitchen, making them both a hot chocolate, and, as he did, Kathryn stood before one of the room's long windows and tried to summon the strength for the conversation she knew they both needed.

"I was thinking," Chakotay said as he returned from the kitchen with two mugs of chocolate, "that if the weather's good tomorrow we can beam up to the summit. I've never been but am told the view is amazing."

"I'm sure it is," Kathryn said, turning from the window to face him, "and I'd love to."

Chakotay smiled. "Then we'll do it."

He joined her at the window and Kathryn gratefully took an offered mug. It was full of swirling hot chocolate and was topped with cream.

"But before we do anything this afternoon," he said, "you're going to tell me what's wrong."

What's wrong.

He knew her so well. And yet...hardly at all.

"I know there's something," he went on. "You've been quiet all day and hardly touched lunch."

Kathryn turned away from him and slowly walked over to the couch. It was long and blue and right before a log fire that roared in the hearth.

"You're right," she said, sitting. "There is something. Something that's...well, bothered me for a long time. I never knew how to tell you, even if I should, but if we're...if we're to have any kind of future together...and I hope we do have a future together...then you need to know."

Fear mingled with concern in Chakotay's eyes at these words, but he hid his feelings well, just as he always did, and calmly closed the gap between them.

"I see," he said, "in that case, I'm glad you're ready to tell me."

"I am," she replied. "And yet...I'm scared too. Because what I have to say, it might..." Tears filled her eyes. "It might change how you feel about me."

Chakotay put down his drink and sat beside her. "That's impossible, Kathryn. I love you with all my heart and nothing can change that."

Kathryn put down her drink too and took his hand in hers.

"I love you too, Chakotay. And I'm thankful for you everyday. But five years ago something happened and...and I'm not who you think I am."

Five years ago. At those words, implying an historic rather than present emergency, Chakotay relaxed. He even teased.

"Species 8472 in disguise?"

Kathryn had to smile. "No. I'm really Kathryn Janeway. I'm just...I'm not the Kathryn Janeway you think I am."

"How do you mean?"

"I'm from...I don't know where I'm from. I thought a different reality, but now I'm not so sure. All I know is that when, five years ago, I went back in time to save us all from a fate worse than death, I ended up on the wrong Voyager...your Voyager, not mine. I knew straight away...well, almost...because I looked different. I hadn't bunned my hair for years and...well, the short of a very long story is that while I was onboard, your Captain died, disappeared somehow, and I was left." A tear ran down her cheek. "I'm sorry. I know you...loved her."

There was a long silence, too long, but then Chakotay finally spoke.

"I could say you should have told me, but I think you know that."

Kathryn nodded. "And I don't know why I didn't. I just...I'd been through hell and I didn't want to talk about it...didn't want questions. I just wanted to...to get on with things...to adjust to my new life. But it's been hard. Always I've been aware that...that I'm an imposter."

"Hardly that, Kathryn. Something clearly went wrong when you went back in time, but that doesn't mean you're from a different reality or are a different Kathryn Janeway to the one I've always known. Quite the contrary, I don't think you are."

"But I am, Chakotay. Her history, and mine, they're not a perfect match."

"That could simply be the result of a temporal glitch. The past, the present, the future, they're always changing. Given the number of out of time experiences we've all had, who knows if any of us have the exact same history on record as is in our memory."

"True, but I think most people do. Even Harry Kim does, despite being from the other Voyager we encountered. Nothing in his past was different. Not one thing. But my past, and the other Kathryn's, they're very different."

"Are they? Truly? To my way of thinking, very different would mean that you and she led completely different lives. You haven't. If you had, you wouldn't be Voyager's captain. You'd be something else. But for you to be going back in time to save us, and presumably ending up in the right place at the right time to do so, has to mean that the similarities between your life and your counterpart's are infinitely greater than the differences...especially if the only difference you were immediately aware of was your hair."

"I never thought of that...kind of like a mirror image, I suppose. The same, and yet different. But if I do have a different past to the other Kathryn...even just slightly...can I truly be her? I don't think I can. I mean, the Kathryn you knew for the first three years of our journey, the one with the bunned hair that you see in your memory, she's not me."

"If we take a pedantic perspective. I say we choose a more liberal. After all, a shared past is ultimately about shared experiences. We have those. What does it matter if in your memory you look one way and in mine another? I say it doesn't matter. It's the experience we've shared that's important."

"Like New Earth."

"Like New Earth."

"But what I've told you must change something about how you feel. You must, on some level, be angry."

"To be honest, Kathryn, it never surprises me when you've kept something from me. You do it all the time. I'm just glad that, in this case, it's nothing to do with your wellbeing. Physical, I mean. I thought for a moment there that you were ill or were leaving on a dangerous mission."

"No. My space days are over. I want...well, you know what I want because you want it too."

"Yes. But if we're going to make it, Kathryn, you're going to have to start opening up more. Communication is vital in any relationship, even in friendship."

"I know. That's why I'm telling you now. I want everything in the open between us. Want this to be a new start. I just...that's what I mean about being different to the other Kathryn. She was more open, more optimistic and affectionate. I can tell that from her logs. Life has been harder for me and I've had to bottle up my feelings just to survive. And don't tell me that you've never noticed a difference. I know you have. You even told me once."

That Chakotay could not deny and, for a moment, his mind wandered back to the Equinox incident. That Kathryn certainly had been different to the one he had previously known.

"But this is who I am, Chakotay. I might have been like that other Kathryn once, but I've been through too much to ever be like her again."

"I understand that, Kathryn. And you're right, I did...have...noticed a change. But I think change was inevitable...for all of us. No one could live through what we have and be the same. We're all different people now. I'd like to think better people. But I did worry about you. You had a heavy load on your shoulders and a long way to carry it."

"Yes. But you made that burden lighter, Chakotay...just as you vowed to. And I thank you for that."

"It was a privilege to be at your side, Kathryn. I just wish that...well, I'd always been there."

"Me too. But I think we needed time apart, Chakotay. We'd been in a command structure for so long, and in such an intense situation, that we needed time out to discover what our true feelings are for each other. To have gone from a command relationship to a romantic relationship right away it...well, it might not have been the best thing in the long run."

"I agree. But I've missed you, Kathryn...every moment of every day."

Kathryn squeezed his hand. "Ditto. But I think it's only fair to tell you that I've missed the other you too. My Chakotay. In that terrible future he was my only comfort and joy."

"What happened, Kathryn?"

"I can't tell you. Not because I don't want to but because it was so awful I can't bear to talk about it. Even now, after all these years, I still get nightmares."

At these words, Chakotay looked at her sadly. That future truly must have been horrific and it hurt his heart to think what she might have suffered.

"I've even thought of having those memories erased," Kathryn went on, "but I can't because I need to remember that I'm different."

"Perhaps," Chakotay said. "Or maybe...maybe you don't. Maybe erasure is the answer. It sounds to me like you're out of phase with yourself, with your own history, perhaps because the technology involved in sending you back in time didn't account for all variables. But if your memories of the experience are wiped, then maybe you will come back into sync."

Kathryn considered. "It's certainly possible. The technology involved was experimental. And I was warned of that, but someone I trusted assured me it would work so I took the risk. After all, I had nothing to lose. And I'd do it again...in the blink of an eye." She paused. "I guess, as Admiral Janeway, I did. But I have no idea if she was me or the other Kathryn. It didn't matter."

"No," Chakotay agreed. "And she might have been neither."

"That's right. We can only deal with the situations we're presented with. But as the technology was experimental it's quite possible something went wrong...that I'm out of phase, as you say...and that it's my memories of the out of time experience that are keeping me so. If they're the only link to that other future...and they are because my body somehow auto-aged to what it should be in this timeline...then maybe the shadow of that future will only exist as long as my memories do."

"Exactly. But..."

"But?"

"As you have memories of a different past, as well as a different future, if you come back into sync then..."

Then she wouldn't be herself anymore.

The other Kathryn.

By losing those memories, she would effectively be ending her existence, and in ending her existence, the other Kathryn would live again.

Live again as she should.

Live again as she must.

"Unless I'm wrong," Chakotay said, hoping now that he was. "By losing those memories you may just have an altered perception of the last few years. That's what normally happens. When the undesired memories are gone, the brain reprocesses the remaining ones to produce a different perspective on the past, even though that past hasn't changed."

"Yes, that's what normally happens, but in my case I don't think you're wrong. I think memory erasure is the answer. But before we put ourselves through the agony of the choice, let's see first if it is a choice."

With that, she got up and went over to the fireplace.

"What are you doing?" Chakotay asked.

"Calling The Doctor. If he's free, I'll see him now. As my memories belong to another life, it's quite possible they don't physically exist in this timeline, just like I'm not physically the age I am in my mind. If they don't, then they can't be erased and there's no choice to make. If they do...well, we can cross that bridge when we come to it." She hit her commbadge. "Janeway to Doctor Photon."

Instantly, The Doctor answered. "Good afternoon, Admiral. Are you and Chakotay enjoying your weekend away? Or is that the reason you're calling? Have you done yourselves an injury on the slopes?"

"No," Kathryn laughed, "we're fine. But I do need to see you about a medical matter. Are you free?"

"I will be in an hour. Shall I beam over?"

"No, I'll meet you at your surgery."

"Very well, Admiral. See you then. Doctor out."

As the connection terminated, Chakotay got to his feet and joined Kathryn at the hearth. "I think I should come with you. In fact, I insist."

Kathryn smiled. "Then if you insist, I won't resist." She put her hand on his arm. "But an hour's an hour. Let's forget about all this for a while and indulge ourselves on the hot chocolates you've made. They truly look delicious."

"At least they did," Chakotay teased, "before the cream melted."

"Yes," Kathryn laughed. "But, as Aunt Martha would say, mushy but yummy." She gestured to the couch. "Shall we?"

Chakotay nodded. "Let's."

* * *

Just over an hour later, Kathryn and Chakotay were in The Doctor's surgery. It was on the top floor of Starfleet HQ but the view from its windows was obscured by blue blinds. After explaining her condition to The Doctor, without going into unnecessary detail, Kathryn underwent some tests, and then The Doctor gave the verdict that only half of her wanted to hear.

"The memories most certainly exist ," he said. "The engrams are irregular, in fact I've never seen any like them, but they are erasable."

"I see," Kathryn said. "Thank you, Doctor."

"You are welcome. But memory erasure should not be done lightly. Not only is it a lengthy procedure, but it can change a person forever."

"I'm aware of that. If I have it done then I won't be the same person. My whole perception of myself, and of the last few years, will change."

"Yes. And, depending how much of an impact these memories made on your life, your recollection of events may not be as clear as they are now."

"I think they had a major impact on who I am. But if losing the memories only changes me, and I believe that will be the case, nothing in my past will have changed. My achievements, whether I remember them all or not, will be the same. Voyager will still be home. I don't need to remember every detail about our journey."

"Nevertheless, take some time to think things over. Memory erasure truly is a lifechanging decision and the procedure cannot be reversed."

Chakotay spoke now. "The Doctor's right. Take time to consider this. It may not be the only option. Perhaps memory suppression would have the same effect. That is reversable."

"Perhaps," Kathryn said. "But if the memories are suppressed, and not erased, then they will still exist. And if they still exist..."

Then so too would the shadow of the other future, of the other life.

Tears filled Chakotay's eyes. "But I don't want to lose you, Kathryn. I don't want you to change."

At Chakotay's pain, Kathryn turned to The Doctor. "Could you give us a moment, Doctor?"

"Certainly," he answered.

As he left, Kathryn closed the gap between herself and Chakotay and put her hand on his arm.

"You won't lose me, Chakotay. I'm sure of that. I might not be the same, but I'll still be me. The me you first knew. If wiping these memories is the only way of correcting the temporal aberration and bringing myself into sync, I have to do it. All these years I've felt like I'm living a lie and I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling the same. I also don't want to live with the memories I have. I've done what I set out to do. I've saved Voyager and I've got our crew home. It's time now for the other Kathryn to live again."

A tear ran down Chakotay's cheek. "But I love this Kathryn...love you."

Tearful herself, Kathryn took his hands in hers and squeezed them. "I love you too, Chakotay. So very much. But the other Kathryn...she will too."

"We can't be sure of that."

"We can. So don't think of this as losing me. Think of it as gaining her. For she's your Kathryn, Chakotay. The Kathryn you fell in love with and the Kathryn who will love you back...for the rest of your life. I'm not your Kathryn. Not really. I'm another Chakotay's. My Chakotay's. And that's how it's supposed to be."

"You're right," Chakotay said quietly. "I just...I'm being selfish."

"You're the least selfish person I know, Chakotay. You've always put my needs first and, although it will break your heart, you will put mine and the greater good's first now. But the other Kathryn will mend your heart, I promise."

"Then...then I take it you've made your decision?"

"I have. And I'll have the procedure done now. There's no sense in prolonging things. We can sit around talking about possible outcomes forever, but there will only be one actual outcome and no amount of deliberation will change that. Sometimes it's necessary to take a plunge." She put her hand to his cheek. "So while I'm having the procedure done, you go back to the cabin and cook us the meal you were going to tonight. Because the other Kathryn will turn up for it. I know that with every fibre of my being. For nothing will have changed. The framework of our lives will be the same."

Chakotay said nothing and in his eyes were a million doubts.

"Trust me, Chakotay. I know my own heart."

"Then...then I'll wait," he said.

Kathryn smiled through tears. "Just this one last time."

Their eyes locked, love reflecting, and then their lips slowly drew close. But, just as they were about to kiss for the first time, Kathryn put her finger to his mouth.

"No, save that for your Kathryn." She then drew him close and hugged him hard. "And we'll say goodbye now...before it gets any harder. But this isn't really goodbye. Remember that."

"It feels like it," Chakotay said, tearfully returning her embrace. "And I don't want to let you go."

"I don't want you to let me go. But if we're to find each other again, and live the lives we're supposed to, we need to do this. We need to say goodbye. So goodbye, Chakotay. And thank you. Thank you for everything you've done through the years...for being my rock, my harbor, and my shelter."

"Thank you for being mine," he whispered. "And you better come. Tonight, for our meal, you better come."

"I will," Kathryn said, drawing away. "I promise."

Then, to make things easier for both of then, she hit her commbadge and requested a beamout for Chakotay. It came immediately and, in seconds, he was gone.

Gone in a flash of light.

For a long moment Kathryn stared where he had stood, but then she wiped away her tears and called in The Doctor.

"Where's Chakotay?" he asked as he emerged from his office.

"Left," Kathryn replied. "I've decided to have the erasure immediately so there was no need for him to stay."

"Immediately as in right now?"

"That's what immediately means."

"But you need to be certain, Admiral, it's a..."

"Life changing decision, you said. And I am. I am certain."

The Doctor hesitated, but then relented. "Very well, Admiral. If you're sure, really sure."

"I am," Kathryn declared. "I am."

**END OF PART TWO**


	3. Chapter 3

_Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures_

**THE OTHER KATHRYN**

**PART THREE**

In a corner of the cabin, before a window of falling snow, Chakotay finished laying an elegant table. It was adorned with candles, which twinkled against crystal glasses and silver dishes, and the centerpiece was a beautiful vase of red roses.

Red for love

But even as he set the table, he didn't know if Kathryn would come. According to The Doctor, the procedure had been a success and Kathryn had been discharged an hour ago, but she had not come here.

She had not even been in touch.

And this worried him. Confusion was not uncommon after memory erasure and he was concerned for her well being. But The Doctor, while not saying much, had assured him that Kathryn was in full possession of her faculties. He had even been offended by the suggestion that he would discharge her if she was not.

So all Chakotay could do was wait.

Wait to see if Kathryn would come back to him.

Oh gods, he prayed, let her come!

And then she did.

Just as he was putting the last dish onto the table, Kathryn arrived by transport. She was wearing a classy blue velvet dress that fell off her shoulders and kissed her knees, and her hair, her beautiful auburn hair, was swept up from her face in a fancy bun.

"Hi, Chakotay," she smiled.

Chakotay smiled back but words failed him. All he could do was gaze. Gaze at this woman who was, and was not, his Kathryn.

"The Doctor tells me I've had memory erasure surgery," she went on, "because of an out of time experience, and as I can't recall anything about it, he must have done a good job." She saw the table behind him and her face lit up in delight. "And so have you on this table! Isn't it wonderful?" Curiously, she lifted the lid on a dish. "Oh, coffee walnut cake, my favorite. How about we skip convention and start with dessert? Unless you've made your shepherd's pie special for dinner. I love your shepherd's pie special."

"As it happens I have," Chakotay told her. "Next dish."

Kathryn lifted the lid off the next dish and, to her joy, saw the shepherd's pie.

"So you have. And it smells delicious...as always."

As always.

True. She always loved his shepherd's pie.

His Kathryn. Both Kathryn's.

"But you're being awfully quiet," she observed, turning towards him. "Is everything ok?"

"I don't know," he replied honestly. "Are you ok?"

"Me? I'm fine." She closed the gap between them. "But you're clearly not. This procedure that I've had. Should we be talking about it?"

"No," Chakotay replied. "It's better that we don't. Besides, I didn't experience what you experienced and know nothing about what you did. You're just different now and...well, it might take some getting used to."

Kathryn frowned. "Different? How? Or do you mean my hair? Because I've just had it restyled. I've come to realize I hate the bob. Whatever possessed me?"

Chakotay couldn't help but smile. "Your hair is one difference. But there are others, and the rest...I don't know yet."

Kathryn raised an eyebrow. "Others and the rest? Then it must have been one hell of an out of time experience if I changed so much!"

"Not so much," Chakotay said. And that was the truth. If she had, he would have noticed. In all important ways, the two Kathryn's were the same. And that's because they were the same. A single soul fractured in time. Now that soul was whole again and the two Kathryn's were one.

And yet he missed the other Kathryn.

The Kathryn he had loved for five years.

But he had loved this Kathryn that long too. For all their experiences over the past five years, they were hers. Everything he remembered, she did too, even if her recollection of them now would be cloudy.

No aberration.

Their lives, their loves, and their histories, perfectly in sync as they should be.

"Well," Kathryn declared, "all I can say is thank God those memories are gone."

Gone.

Gone with the other Kathryn.

And yet she was standing before him now. Standing before him brighter and happier than he had seen her in years. As bright and happy as he always wanted to see her.

Thank God, indeed, those memories had gone.

"Amen to that," he said.

Kathryn stepped closer and took his hands in hers. "I'm still me, Chakotay. As I look at you now, something inside me compels me to say that. I'm still me and I love you...with all my heart."

Tears filled Chakotay's eyes. His Kathryn. This Kathryn. They truly were one and the same.

"I love you too," he said. "All and every you."

Kathryn smiled her beautiful smile. "Good. Because I'm also compelled to do this."

And, with that, she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him.

**THE END**


End file.
